Ever had the feeling of something missing, or a sensation of a space in you can feel but not fill? A space that keeps you at peace, equanimity of emotions and rationalizes right from wrong. The part of you that attempts to erase the running scores of both intentional and unintentional slights, insults or disappointments with dealings both internal and external!
It is not you, but it is something you can feel and communicate with almost like a conscience with a voice. In fact it is a part that can acknowledge and point out your own mistaken hurt that you perceive either the intentional or un-intentional injustice/judgement of another. One that gives you peace until your own ego tries to rake up the old scores in attempt to engulf yourself in self pity.
There is a constant tug of war within you between this seeker of peace/contentment and your ego which acts like a seeker of self worth. Naturally you want the former to win but it is a tough battle and the gratification that the latter provides is like a powerful intoxicant.
The awareness is powerful but the journey to conquer it is in itself significant to progress on to the next level of peace and spiritual growth. Doing it in the materialistic, familial modern day setting makes this even more challenging.
A few things I try to do earnestly: forgive those who know not, try not to support your ego by searching for such insults (even if they were deliberate) and most importantly stop keeping scores to prevent such thoughts from repeating themselves in future. Just move on.
Keeping the sanctity of that calm space is most important!
