Journey of the self

Ever had the feeling of something missing, or a sensation of a space in you can feel but not fill? A space that keeps you at peace, equanimity of emotions and rationalizes right from wrong. The part of you that attempts to erase the running scores of both intentional and unintentional slights, insults or disappointments with dealings both internal and external!

I find this an interesting thing to experience. 

It is not you, but it is something you can feel and communicate with almost like a conscience with a voice. In fact it is a part that can acknowledge and point out your own mistaken hurt that you perceive either the intentional or un-intentional injustice/judgement of another. One that gives you peace until your own ego tries to rake up the old scores in attempt to engulf yourself in self pity. 

There is a constant tug of war within you between this seeker of peace/contentment and your ego which acts like a seeker of self worth. Naturally you want the former to win but it is a tough battle and the gratification that the latter provides is like a powerful intoxicant. 

The awareness is powerful but the journey to conquer it is in itself significant to progress on to the next level of peace and spiritual growth. Doing it in the materialistic, familial modern day setting makes this even more challenging. 

A few things I try to do earnestly: forgive those who know not, try not to support your ego by searching for such insults (even if they were deliberate) and most importantly stop keeping scores to prevent such thoughts from repeating themselves in future. Just move on. 

Keeping the sanctity of that calm space is most important!

The waves of Grief!

It has been a few years since I have lost quite a few loved ones.  While over time I am probably as normal as normal can be - there still remains an under-current that leaves me stumped from time to time.

They say grief comes in waves and yes the tides did seem strong and more rapidly rising at the beginning. With time it seemed to ebb causing me to believe that may be time does heal!

However, grief does strike when you least expect - years after the storm started. It makes you realize perhaps you are not as healed as you would like to believe. 

It is as simple as fighting over a simple (teeny tiny inconsequential random) matter with a long departed still fervently loved one. Then, waking up disgruntled that you fought with that loved one. A bitter sweet realization follows that it was a dream. Finally, a distasteful after taste rises and lingers as you realize that that loved one is long departed - so forget a quarrel you can't even have a conversation with them however much you want.

That is indeed grief - hitting you when you least expected as a busy day awaits you. 

You got to move on you say and then you try - hopefully before the next wave can find you!